Rev. Hyung Jin Nim
June 28, 2007, Japan
Every day I do a “heart-training” together with brothers and sisters. I would like to do it here also before I start to speak.
First, let’s warm up. Please close your eyes. We’ll do a little warm-up. Imagine your kitchen. Imagine it in detail – where you have chopsticks, where the table is. Actually it’s a bit difficult to visualize everything in detail. However, if we start moving within this image, we’ll be able to see everything more precisely.
For example, let’s go to the fridge. See how your hand moves and opens the fridge. When you open it, you see a glass of water. Take it in your hand. Feel its wetness and temperature, feel how cool it is. Drink the water and put the glass on the table. As you have experienced, it’s much easier to visualize things when you move.
Now, imagine that you are not in your kitchen, but in a cell of the Hungnam Prison, alone. Right in front of you, there’s a window with a bar it. See how you hand moves towards it, and grab the bar. Feel it.
It’s made of steel. It’s cold. You cannot move it. Now look at the wall to your right side. Walk towards this wall. See how your hand moves. Stroke the wall. It is very old, so when you touch it, little stones peel off the wall. Look at the back side of the room. There’s a metal bucket in one corner. Walk towards that bucket. Watch both of your hands go toward that bucket. Take it in your hands. You know what this is. It’s the toilet that prisoners use. Father says that when he was in prison he slept right next to such a bucket to train himself.
Go back to the center of the room. Right in front of you there is a window with a bar. Sit down on the floor. Touch it. The earthen floor is cold. In this place, in this environment, let us say a prayer for 3 minutes, which Father used to say all the time when he was in prison.
When you inhale, say, “I’m alive,” when you exhale, say, “Thank you!” Keep saying these words as you breathe in and out. Control you mind and body during these 3 minutes and don’t move. Let’s start our prayer. When you inhale, say, “I’m alive,” when you exhale, say, “Thank you!”
Look once again at the wall to your right side. We hear that Father is right in the next room. In your imagination rise, make a step towards that wall and make a full bow in front of it.
Thank you for your efforts. Father says he kept saying that prayer of gratitude while in Hungnam prison. He says he even thanked people who beat him while his hands were tied. He also was grateful to the people who fed him, even though they were simply throwing food to him as if he were a dog. Sometimes when we drive a car we turn on a radio and listen to a program. Imagine that every time you turn on a radio the announcer says, “You’re a looser. You’ll fail, no matter what you do.”
Would you like this kind of program? Sure, you wouldn’t. However without our being aware of this, our mind broadcasts this kind of a program. According to one scientific survey, every person has 50 to 60 thousand thoughts a day, and more than 30 thousand of these thoughts are negative.
Through our training we must learn to change these negative thoughts. We need to train ourselves, so that whenever these negative thoughts come to us – “I’m a looser. I can’t do it. I’m going to fail,” we can think, “Father was in much worse circumstances and still he was grateful, therefore my heart must be like his.”
One scholar made a study of our church back in 1970s. He pointed out that most members of the Unification Church were single. Is Family Federation an organization of singles? But in 1970s he wrote that in his survey. Now, in 2007, the circumstances of our church have greatly changed.
What are these changes? In 1970s most members were working for the church full time. Are you still doing it now? You received the Blessing and have children. So, now, in 2007, we are not a church of single people anymore, we became a family church.
For the first time in our church’s history we have families with 3 generations – grandparents and grandchildren – in our church. Actually the age has come for the first time in history when we can embody all principal notions of our philosophy: the four-position foundation, the four great realms of heart, the three great kingships, the ideal of true family and so forth. We couldn’t do it in 70s, because church members didn’t have families. So, I view this time as very important.
Try doing like this – look at you fingers and quickly connect tips of your index fingers. Do it only once. It’s not difficult, is it? Now close one eye and try doing it again. It’s more difficult, right? Our two eyes should move in accord with each other. By the same token, it’s important that the development of our church is accompanied by strengthening of our families.
We use our both eyes together. In the same manner we must fulfill these two responsibilities together – responsibility for the church and responsibility for our family. We should have two ears. We need two nostrils to smell the fragrance of cherry blossoms. We need two lips in order to speak. In the same way these two tasks – church and family – should go together.
There’s one prominent scholar in Seattle, USA, who researched parenthood. He classified all parents into four types. Here are some examples. Let’s say a child is crying because his gold fish has died.
Looking at this, parents of the first type would say, “Hey, why are you crying? It’s just a goldfish, not your mom who died.” Parents of the second type in the same circumstances would show sympathy for a child saying something like, “Oh, poor thing!” but offer no solutions. Parents of the third type will do the following: First, they also express sympathy for a kid, but then they would say, “Okay, and now let’s eat something delicious!” That is, they try to change the atmosphere. This scholar has been studying these three types of parents and their children for 30 years. So, what’s his conclusion?
The conclusion is that children of the parents who belong to these 3 types keep having problems throughout their whole life. For example, problems with employment. They cannot stay for a long time in any place and keep changing their jobs all the time. Their marriages are unstable, they tend to divorce. They are not very successful students.
Their ability to build relationships with people is very poor. That’s what the scholar has discovered.
However he mentioned that there is also a fourth type of parent. How do parents of this fourth type react in the same circumstances? They are really special. Only 2 percent of all parents in the world belong to this category. So what do they do?
In the same situation with dead goldfish, they first of all express sympathy for their child. But next they do something really special. What is it? After expressing sympathy they ask their child, “What shall we do now?” They use questions.
The child may say through tears, “We must bury the fish.” So they do it together with the child. Then they ask the child again, “What would be good to do next? Shall we place some flowers on the grave?” And if the child says “yes” they do that. This is the fourth type of parents. The scholar studied these parents also for 30 years.
So what did he discover in these 30 years? Children of parents of the fourth type are successful in all respects. They usually take professions which are considered prestigious and respectable in the society, for example, medical doctors. Such people tend to divorce less. They study well. They have very good interpersonal skills.
These 4 types of parents are actually 4 types of approach to problem solving. First type is oppressive. When there is a problem, for example, when a child is crying, they simply try to oppress him or her, “Why are you crying? Why are fraying my nerves?”
When such a child grows up and, let’s say, gets a job, whenever there is a problem he tends to simply say, “It’s because of him or her. Don’t trust that person.” Naturally, such a person cannot easily gain trust of surrounding people. He keeps criticizing others, so his popularity naturally drops.
Second style is sympathetic. If you work with such a person you can hear all the time, “Yes, this is a difficult problem. It’s so bad. It must be so hard for you.” But he will never give you a solution.
Finally, people don’t go to him when they have difficulties, because he can never help them solve problems. He may be unaware of this, but his popularity also goes down and he cannot earn trust of his colleagues.
What’s a third type of a child? It’s the one who tries to change circumstances. If you happen to work with such a person, whenever you have a problem, he’d say, “I don’t know how to solve the problem. Let’s just go and grab something to eat.” He tries to make some excuses to quickly get out of the unpleasant situation. To work with such a person is very frustrating – whenever there is a problem that needs to be solved he just wants to eat. It’s so frustrating.
Naturally this person also loses popularity and cannot gain people’s trust. Fourth type is trying to solve a problem through a certain process. When there is a problem, he recognizes its difficulty and expresses his sympathy to you, but next he asks your opinion, “What do you think we can do in this situation?”
In other words, he kind of embraces you; he instills into you a sense of ownership and proposes to think on the solution together. Since he always “embraces” others, he acknowledges them, wants to know their opinion, he can guide people very naturally and his popularity grows. It happens naturally, he doesn’t assert his authority.
We often think of good problem solvers as of people who any time have an answer to any question, but in fact these people don’t always have answers and solutions. However when there is a problem to which such a person doesn’t know the answer he or she includes other people into solution inviting them to think together, because he or she knows that through such a process solution will surely be found.
Once, one Ambassador for Peace after hearing explanations about these 4 types of parents asked me, “So, what percent of parents in Family Federation belong to the fourth type?” That was a difficult question. Maybe only 2 percent.
In 80s and 90s some scholars actually believed that an influence exerted by parents on their children is not so great. Instead they claimed that peers, culture of the surrounding society and mass media influence children much more than their parents do.
However the research I told you about just before shows that actually parents’ influence on children is very big. Parents’ behavior determines whether children’s life becomes a series of problems or a sequence of victories. That’s how great the parental influence on children is.
Do you know what memories are most deeply engraved in children’s minds? These are the memories of the time spent with their parents. But there is one type of memories which is especially deep in children’s minds. Do you know what it is? To put it simply, it’s a time parents spent with them one to one. It’s true for all people.
However what do we do when we spend time one to one with our children? At such times we are often mad at them. Parents left one to one with their children often unknowingly end up scolding them. Unconsciously we switch to reproaching our children. Unknowingly we compare them with others, “Why can’t you do like your brother does?” These things remain most vivid in children’s memory.
As we recite Family Pledge on Ahn Shi Il we repeat “Our family by centering on true love, by centering on true love.” Our children hear this “by centering on true love” thousands of times, yet when they hear these words they probably think, “Well, I don’t know about true love, but I got a true scolding many times, that’s for sure.” It may sound funny, but I’m telling you – it’s very important that you find time to spend with your children one to one.
For example, in our family, every weekend we spend time with one of our children; we go together to McDonald’s or to another restaurant to eat noodles. We take one child at a time and during the time spent together we focus on that child.
I don’t mean that we focus on telling him, “Why can’t you do well in school like your younger brother?” or “Why are you so weak at basketball” This time is for us to show him why his mom and dad are proud of him. We invest ourselves for this purpose.
Before going out with one of our kids we make a list. For example, we write down 3 points why we – as mom and dad – are proud of this child. There are many studies on this subject, but they all confirm one thing: most children when asked “Why are your parents proud of you?” do not know the answer, because their parents never told them.
In America there are many teenage gangs. One sociologist made a survey on gangs which showed that more than 90 percent of kids in those gangs have never heard words, “I love you” from their parents. We as parents may think, “Of course, I love you. You’re my child. That’s obvious.”
But it’s not obvious to them. Actually, kids doubt a great deal, “Do my mom and dad truly love me? As I said, children remember the most the time spent with their parents one to one. However in those times they hear rebukes, “Why can’t you do it properly? What a nasty boy you are!” So they cannot but come to doubt, “Do my parents really love me?” So, if you have several children spend one weekend with the first child, next weekend with the second, third weekend with the third, and so forth. It’s that simple.
Some of you may say, “I don’t have time for that. I’m busy, my children are busy. I have many things to do in the church.” However there are 168 hours in a week. So, if you take just one of these 168 hours every week and dedicate it to making your family a true family, I don’t think it’s such a big investment. You still have 167 hours left.
Actually, spending long hours with your children is not necessarily effective. Maybe some of you decide to spend a whole one day a week with your children, but in this case both you and your kids will probably go crazy.
If you spend with them a long time, it doesn’t mean you spend it effectively. The time you spend with your children one to one may be short, but if you do well, if you really invest your love and have good memories in them, the effect may be even greater.
Look at our philosophy. Those who study our theology immediately understand that building true families is absolutely central to it. In the very beginning at the time of creation God wanted precisely this – a family, love in a family.
All main notions of our ideology – the four position foundation, the four great realms of heart, the three great kingships – are found in the family. So, you cannot even imagine how precious each child, every single member of your family is.
We have been practicing this type of training with our children for several years, so do you know what the results are? Do you know how they changed? Not the envy or competition between our children has virtually disappeared.
When it’s turn of our elder son to spend time with us, the second one tells him, “Go with mommy and daddy,” because he knows that next week will be his turn. There’s no need to envy. Why is every single of our children so precious? It is because every one of them will multiply our descendants.
The purpose why you, Japanese brothers and sisters, are working so hard is for the sake of future generations. It’s crucial that all our descendants do well and that this tradition is passed down to them properly. I have 5 kids now.
What happens if I express my love only to the last one? Maybe this last one will inherit the tradition of love, but if others remember only scolding they received during the time they spent one to one with us, that will become the tradition which we will unknowingly hand down to them. Let’s say each of my 5 kids will also have 5 kids. That means that only 5 of my grandchildren will inherit the tradition of love, but other 20 will not.
Yesterday I heard a story from one family I was visiting. A daughter of that family went to study abroad. After a while she sent a letter to her father. And that’s what she wrote in the letter, “Dad, I know that you hate guys with tattoos and earrings, but I’m dating such a person. Currently he’s in prison because one time he tried to sell drugs and got caught. But when he’s out we’re going to get married.
And also, I’ve got pregnant by him. After marriage we’re planning to move to China, so I probably won’t see you anymore.” then the father of the girl read the letter, he was dumbfounded. He almost fainted.
However in the very bottom of the letter he saw a small note which said, “Dad, actually everything I wrote above is not true. I made it up. But I do have a problem – I flunked the science exam.” This girl wasn’t good at science, and whenever she didn’t do well with her tests in the past her father would always scold her, “I graduated from several prestigious universities, why can’t you study well? Do you know how much money I spend on your education?” But after he read the letter and found out that she flunked the exam he shouted “Eog-mansei.”
He was so happy simply because everything else she wrote to him about her tattooed boyfriend imprisoned for selling drugs, her pregnancy and leaving for China turned out to be not true. Then he said, “She flunked the exam, but that’s okay.”
When we live as a family with our spouse and children, we often fight over trifles. We fray each other’s nerves; we rebuke each other for nothing. As we go on living like this our relationships with each other gradually weaken.
We often imagine Satan the way he’s depicted in comics – tall muscular guy with red skin, wings and horns. But he doesn’t look like that. Imagine if a 3 meter tall red-skinned guy were among you, finding him would be so easy. But he’s not like this.
He appears in daily life, when blessed spouses quarrel with each other, hurt each other, and fight with each other with swords made of their words. In such times Satan stands right by their side, applauds them and says, “Encore! Encore!”
He likes watching such scenes more than watching Korean soap operas. He’s dying to see what is going to happen in the next episode, next week. Actually, Satan comes to us in our ordinary daily life. He knows that blessed families are most precious to True Parents, that’s why he attacks blessed families on purpose.
That’s how he wants to destroy Cheon IL Guk.
If you are trying to just “find” time to spend with your children, you will never be able to find it. Don’t “look” for time, “make” this time instead. If we do not invest time in our children and our blessed families, Satan will continuously attack us in this area, we will be gradually weakening in this field.
Our church may look great on the outside, but inside it should also be strong and healthy. Before this lecture we did an exercise to be able to resemble True Parents in heart, didn’t we?
“I can never become a good dad. I can never find time to spend with my children. We can never become good husband and wife. It seems that we have to just live the way we do now. We must accept that our conjugal relations are dull.” If you have such thoughts thousands and tens of thousands times, they will finally materialize. So whenever you hear such a broadcast, quickly switch to another channel.
Have you heard of Auschwitz? For those who don’t know I’ll briefly explain. Auschwitz was a name of a German concentration camp at the time of Hitler. Nazis imprisoned in this camp many people, primarily Jews, and did to them all sorts of crazy things – they did experiments on people, they shot them, killed them with poisonous gas.
There are some testimonies by the people who survived in this camp. According to these testimonies, there are two types of people. People of the first type died very quickly, but people of the second type could survive.
For example, people who died quickly were typically saying something like this, “Today’s Thursday, but I’ll be liberated on Sunday.” They were desperately hoping to be liberated on Sunday, but the Sunday came and nothing happened. Then they started to think, “Probably I’ll be released next Tuesday.” And again they were wrapped up in anticipation, but nothing happened. Then, they thought, “Okay, it’s going to happen next Thursday.” But nothing happened. So these people were all the time going through ups and downs. Such people died very quickly.
But there were also those who survived. These people would say to themselves, “I don’t know when I’m going to be liberated, so I’ll look for something I can be grateful for today. I’ll try to learn something today.” They were thinking not about tomorrow or next Sunday or Thursday, they were thinking about “today.”
If such a person saw beautiful sunrise through the hole in the fence, he’d be grateful thinking, “God still loves me.” Such people looked at those who died and at those who survived and tried to learn, “Why did this person die? And why did that person survive? What kind of people die and what kind of people survive?” We often think that people succeed or fail because of their environment, however all prisoners in Auschwitz were in same conditions. They lived same life in the same environment.
People who survived were not better looking. They were not coming from better families. They had not received better education or had better jobs than others. So what was their difference from others? It was their mindset.
Living together with our spouse and children we may think, “Probably from Sunday my children will listen to me.” But Sunday comes and nothing happens. Then we think, “Well, then maybe from Tuesday my children will start to understand me.” But on Tuesday nothing happens either. “Well, then it’s going to happen on Thursday,” we think. So, our anticipation and energy is focused on that one day, but we are unable to appreciate our children, our wife or husband, our mother or father today.
I heard one interesting story. Once there was a heavy rain, so that the whole area was flooded and the water kept rising. To escape from the flood one old man went up to the roof of his house where he kept praying to God for salvation. At that time the firefighters’ car was passing by. Firefighters shouted to the man, “Hey, quickly get in the car.”
The man answered, “No. God will save me” and continued to pray, “Please send the archangel Gabriel to save me.” Meanwhile the water kept rising. At that time 2 men in the boat were rowing by. They yelled to him, “Hey, man, quickly get on the boat.” But he told them, “Leave me alone. God will save me.” And the water kept coming. It already reached his feet when a helicopter came. People in the helicopter suspended a rope and shouted to the man, “Quickly get in.”
But the man shouted back, “No, I won’t. God will save me.” The water kept rising, and the man finally drowned. He went to Heaven, stood in front of God and asked him, “God! Why didn’t you save me? Why didn’t you send the archangel Gabriel to me?” to which God answered, “You, blockhead! Didn’t I send you a fire engine, a boat and a helicopter?”
Sometimes we expect that God solves our problems in this way. We think, “The archangel Gabriel will come and save me.” We think that the sky will suddenly be cleared of clouds, the light will come shining upon us and we’ll hear sounds of heavenly music. But things don’t always happen the way we expect. We think, “I wish God resolved this problem in this way,” but He actually does it in a different way.
Children give us many problems, for example, suddenly your kid may tell you he wants to learn to play basketball. You may think that this brings you complications, but who knows may be this desire to play basketball is that very “helicopter” that will change the life of your child.
We never know in what method God wants to help us. We think, “If God helps me this way, I am saved.” But if we are stuck to this idea we may not notice fire engine, boat and helicopter passing by.
Actually firefighters in the car, two men in the boat, and the person who threw the rope from the helicopter were angels. They all could have saved the man, but he missed those opportunities because they were not something he was expecting. Thus, the most important thing is to always keep our mind open.
You never know for sure how God is going to help your family, how He is going to help in your relationships with your children or spouse.
However, as I look at God and True Parents, they always have a plan. When we doubt ourselves saying, “I cannot do it. I can never become a true parent. I can never improve relationship with my wife etc.” these are not words of God and True Parents. These are our words.
Father said, “Before aspiring to dominate the universe, gain dominion over yourself first.” If we all the time express our concerns with our children, “Oh, I worry that he will take a bad road. I’m afraid he’s going to start drinking. Maybe he will do something wrong,” if this kind of program is broadcast all the time in our mind, it influences our children.
The children would say, “If my parents doubt me anyway, I might just do all these bad things.” That’s possible. Especially, if we have a child that really brings us troubles and breaks our heart, whenever we have this kind of “radio program” in our mind, we should switch the channel quickly. We should say o ourselves, “No, I love this child. He or she has such and such good points.”
God has a certain plan. We may have circumstances when we feel almost like enemies to our family members, but you never know, maybe God is letting you go through this to train you to love them again, to forgive them and be forgiven by them.
Look at this closely. People who survived in Auschwitz entrusted the issue of their liberation to God, but they didn’t simply remain idle every day. They focused every single day on what they could learn, or what they could be grateful for on that particular day.
They entrusted to God other problems, like “When I get out of this prison?” They didn’t just wait for Him to deliver them; they tried to discover something good in every day. We should train ourselves to do the same thing, “Today I can love my child a little more. Today I can discover some more good points about my wife.”
Life is a very fragile thing. One day it may suddenly end. I realized this when my elder brother passed away. Life is fragile. So, when you have a chance to be with your beloved children, husband or wife, your parents, please do tell them that you love and appreciate them. When someone dies people bring bouquets of flowers to the funeral. But please give flowers to your loved ones, while they’re still alive. Our family members are that important.
In the beginning of this session we did an exercise to develop the same kind of heart True Father had when he was in Hungnam prison, in most difficult circumstances. You received a lot of intellectual knowledge: about 4 types of parents, about organizing “children days” for each of your children and so forth.
But there is still one type of training that we didn’t do. What is it? As you know from the Principle our heart is connected to the 3 faculties of our mind which are emotions, intellect and will. Now we will do an exercise related to the world of emotions.
Please, all rise. Form pairs, if you are with your spouse form a pair with him or her. Or if you children are with you, you can also form a pair with your son or daughter. If you formed a pair with someone who is not your relative imagine that he is your father or grandfather or if it’s a lady, imagine that she’s your mother or grandmother.
If you formed pair with your husband or wife, then let it be so, you are spouses. We will study the way True Parents hugged each other at their wedding ceremony.
There is certain method of hugging. First, we bow to each other. Please bow to each other. Second step — embrace each other with your eyes. No, couples, I said “with your eyes.” If a man standing in front of you is not your relative, think that he is your father. Next, embrace your partner’s palms with your palms like this.
Then finally hug each other, but don’t just “hug” by slanting towards each other and patting each other on the back with your palms. Make a real deep hug. Keep hugging and close your eyes. If you’re hugging your father, say, “Father, thank you.” If you’re hugging your wife say, “Darling, thank you.”
Think about it, when was the last time you hugged your father. When was the last time you hugged your wife and thanked her? So, hug them now and say “thank you” into their ears three times. Now, husbands and wives, tell each other, “I love you.” Then embrace each other with your eyes once again and embrace your partner’s palms with your palms. And finally bow to each other. Thank you very much.
Now, some of you were hugging for 2-3 minutes some strange man or woman whom you don’t even know. Then how much easier it is for you to go home and embrace your beloved wife or husband. So, while you still have a chance to live with your husband, wife or children please do tell them that you love them, hug them, look straight into their eyes – do this kind of training.
We also do this training with our children every day. You may think this is a trifling thing, but if you don’t make time for this on purpose, you won’t have time even to look into your children’s eyes. Your children doubt that you love them, so tell them that you do, that you appreciate them.
When I just got married I never held my wife by hand, because I was training in martial arts and I was full of a “man’s pride.” But after my elder brother, Young-Jin Hyung, passed away I realized that all I had was this “man’s pride” and I didn’t resemble my parents at all.
Now I hold my wife’s hand even in front of all brothers and sisters. Look at True Parents’ picture — they are always holding each other’s hands. But when Father holds Mother’s hand, he doesn’t do it in a simple manner. He has his secret method of holding hands. After Young-Jin Hyung passed away I started to learn about Parents not only through Father’s words, but also by observing them in daily life.
Especially our church pastors and members should be united with their spouses, so make sure that you show to the world all the time how united your couples are. You should do it with confidence. You don’t need this “man’s pride.” Father doesn’t show this “pride.”
Next time, when you have a chance, look at how Father holds Mother’s hand. He keeps caressing Mother’s hand like this. Father keeps telling Mother, “Mom, thank you. I appreciate you. I love you. Everything will be alright.” Even when he doesn’t say this by words, he expresses it otherwise. Husbands and wives should do this kind of training every day.
If you don’t tell your children that you love them, someone else will. People from gangs, from yakuza may tell your children nice words in order to use them. They may say to your kid, “We like you. We love you. Now go and kill that guy.”
If you don’t tell your wife that you love her, some strange man may do it instead of you. If you, wives, don’t tell your husbands that you love them, some other women may do it. That’s going to be a problem. So, please, let us practice these things in our families.
What time did you finish your exercises yesterday? At 12 o’clock. What time will you finish today? At 12 o’clock. Our training today lasts only until 12 o’clock. But you should continue practicing tomorrow.
True love has 3 qualities: it’s altruistic; it gives happiness to others; and it’s eternal. You might have expressed love to your wife or child today, but this love is supposed to be eternal, so keep practicing it tomorrow.
You did some exercises today, but when you go home practice again. And the effect of that practice will last until 12 o’clock. So tomorrow you have to practice again. Remember today’s practice is over by 12 o’clock.
Let me ask you one more question. When True Father shouts Eog-mansei, does he do it alone or with True Mother? (They do it together.)
Then, when he does it, does he hold Mother’s hand or not? (Father holds Mother’s hand.)
Then why do our pastors do it alone?
Since we are supposed to resemble True Parents, we should be united with our spouse even when we shout Mansei.
Aren’t we their representatives?